MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents"
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MAIN EVENT. A Good Place to Get Started --- a.k.a "Table of Contents" |
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EYES TO THE EAST - Twenty-eight year old Mary from San Jose, Calif. says she has never been happier. Mary is a Palestinian-American Christian married to Jamal, a twenty-eight year old Saudi-born Palestinian-Syrian Muslim. The two met in June of 1993 at a party when they were both 21. "It was love at first sight," Mary says.
Although both Mary and Jamal were from different religions, the two dated for four years and eventually married in August of 1997. They say religion was never an issue. "We both agreed that neither one of us would convert after the marriage. We really loved each other, and both of us aren't very religious, so it didn't matter to us," Mary says.
However, if interfaith couples can work out their religious differences, it is usually their families that require a little coaxing. "My father passed away before I had even met my husband, but if he were alive it would have been far more difficult, since he always stressed that he wanted me to marry a Christian," Mary says. Mary explains that if her father had been alive when the couple met, he would have discouraged the union. "My father believes in marriage of your own religion. Maybe my dad would have changed his viewpoint if he could have been able to have at least met my husband," she says.
Mary's mother had a hard time accepting the marriage in the beginning because of fear that Mary would be asked to convert to Islam. "She was afraid of him trying to convert me and afraid that he may be too strict on me with all of the religious beliefs." Mary says that her mother originally shared the same view as her father, until her mother met Jamal. "After she got to really know Jamal she loved him, just like me! She realized that he's a wonderful man with a huge heart and he takes good care of me." Mary also says that her aunts and uncles and her sister were not so accepting of the marriage at first either, but like her mother, after some time and getting to know Jamal their views changed.
Jamal says that religion was never a factor in his decision to pursue Mary and that his family raised him to be open minded. He says that one of the main reasons his family accepted his marriage to a Christian was not only because of Islam's allowance of Muslim men to marry "People of the Book," but also because his family is liberal in their views.
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"They have been exposed to Christians all of their lives, mainly since they both graduated from the American University of Beirut where there was a high percentage of Christians there," he says. Jamal explains that the only shock his family did have, who are now living in Saudi Arabia, was when he announced he was getting married and would remain in the U.S. with his new wife.
Interfaith wedding ceremonies are often first on the list as the biggest compromise an interfaith couple can face. The compromises made on the wedding day often reflect the success rate of future compromises down the line. So, how was the wedding?
Jamal and Mary made it easy on themselves. They eloped at a chapel in Reno. "Well, since Jamal was living in Saudi Arabia and me living here, we had a long distance relationship for a while. We got married while he was visiting me on one of his trips to the U.S.," Mary says. A formal ceremony was later planned to include family and friends but was postponed. "We were supposed to have another ceremony with both of our families when we returned home, but my mother had her stroke soon after and we had to postpone that. If we did, it would have been both, Muslim and a Christian ceremony, we already had decided that," Mary says.
Interfaith marriage counselor Rev. Fr. Charles Joanides says that some of the biggest problems faced by interfaith marriages are "trying to balance personal, couple, family, extended family, faith community needs, and dominate society expectations. For example, personal needs can conflict with the couple needs, and couple needs can conflict with extended family needs," he says. But Jamal and Mary say that they have not experienced these problems. "Since Jamal is not very religious, nor has he ever been, most of the time I don't feel any difference whether I am married to a Christian or Muslim," Mary says.
But how do they deal with the December holidays? Last year Ramadan fell in the same month as Christmas. For interfaith marriages the holidays are often a touchy time. "We've discussed fasting for Ramadan, but I don't think that's going to happen. Since we are living in the United States, especially in a mainly Christian environment, and surrounded by Mary's family, it is kind of difficult to fast for Ramadan, but I guess if we were back home in Saudi, we would've done it," Jamal says. "I quite frankly enjoy celebrating Christmas for the mere fact of the family gatherings, good food, and lots of gifts!"
Jamal says that if they lived closer to his family they would most likely fast for Ramadan and probably would not celebrate Christmas. "I guess it all depends on where we're living and what kind of environment we're in. Plus we both like to equally celebrate each other's religion together."
Mary says that she is more than willing to practice Islam and its religious holidays too. "Jamal just doesn't practice Islam in the sense that most Muslim's do. If he did, I would practice it with him." Mary believes that the two of them should make an effort to celebrate one another's religious holidays equally. "I actually would love to practice it and learn more about it. I've even asked him to take me to the mosque," she says. "He's taught me about readings from the Qur'an, Ramadan, and the significance of a woman covering herself and how to do it, and I've taught him about Christ, and Christmas, Easter and what they symbolize to me. We teach each other everything about one another's religion."
Perhaps the most difficult issue that interfaith couples face is how to raise their children in an interfaith household. "We've discussed this somewhat. We both want our children to be exposed to both religions. I want them baptized as a Christian, but Jamal doesn't want that since that would make our children Christian and that's not fair to him. I agree with him on that, but I do want to take our children to church and also to prayers in the mosque."
Mary says that when the couple has kids they will try to expose them to both religions and let the children decide as they get older which religion they prefer to practice. "It really won't matter to me if Jamal really wants them to be Muslim, I know that in our culture you normally follow your father's religion. We'll see what happens."
Rev. Fr. Joanides says that the key to a successful interfaith marriage is communication and acceptance of differences. "Successful interfaith partners have discussed their differences before marriage. These couples can communicate effectively with one another, understand that their marriage is a work in progress, are patient, accepting of their differences, respectful of their differences, compromise, can laugh, and feel as if they are free to choose," Rev. Fr. Joanides says. He says that not possessing these qualities can lead to an unsuccessful interfaith marriage in addition to "spouses (who) view their differences as deficits that impede marital success and satisfaction." According to a recent study, more than 40 percent of American Catholics marry people of another faith.
Would either of them recommend interfaith marriages to others? "I think it could work out very well for someone if both persons aren't very religious and they are willing to compromise to learning about one another's faith," Mary says. Both agree that if either of the couple is too religious, the marriage will have little chance in succeeding. Mary advises that if this is the case then the marriage should be well thought out ahead of time. "I wouldn't recommend it (interfaith marriage) unless you had some rules set before you were married. I've seen it (problems) happen to other people before."
After over two years of marriage, Jamal and Mary say interfaith marriage works for them. "I would definitely recommend interfaith marriages because it's working great for us!" Jamal says. The couple says they have not experienced any problems and do not have any major differences. "A lot of people think that if you are married to someone of a different religion you'd have a lot of differences in the way of living and thinking, but Arab Christians are just like Arab Muslims. There are good, bad, and evil in all!" Jamal says.
Anayat Durrani is a freelance journalist with a Masters degree in Journalism and International Relations. Ms. Durrani has lived and travelled in the Middle East and writes frequently on Arab-Americans, the Arab world, and Islam. She is editor of Islam in the United States, an educational online website at: http://suite101.com/welcome.cfm/islam_in_the_us. She has had articles published in magazines, newspapers, online, and in various other publications and enjoys writing tremendously.
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