GOOD DR. ENGLISH

Literary Sodomy & Poster Children for the Peter Principle

by D.A. Blyler

To read this article in Deutsch, Francaise, Italiano, Portuguese, Espanol, Korean, Chinese, Japanese, copy and paste the complete URL("http://www.g21.net/gooddr4.html") and enter it in the box after you click through.

The World's Magazine: g21.net Event # 298: DIFFERENT. BETTER. G21 ART EXHIBITION G21 Digital Internet Postcards JOIN OUR MAILING LIST. You'll be glad you did. Surveys that affect our look and feel and much more. Be part of the In-Crowd! G21 E-MAIL NEWSLETTER G21 READERSHIP POLL GOOD DR. ENGLISH HOT LINKS IRISH EYES MY GLASS HOUSE MYTHVILLE PROJECT POWERSSOUND RADIOACTIVE RDR THE SEX COLUMN VOX POPULI Search our Site: sitemap RECOMMENDED DAILY REQUIREMENT ARCHIVES. LAST WEEK's EDITION MEET THE G-CREW! These are the people behind this jam-band every week. HOME TABLE OF CONTENTS & BACK ISSUES

Dear Good Doctor English,

Could you provide an explanation as to when one should use "which" and when one should us "that"? I have a grammar program and not infrequently when I use "which" it suggests that better usage would be "that". Also, an acquaintance told me that there are 47 prepositions and recited them quite rapidly. Is he correct and if so could you list them?

Thomas
Glen Mills, PA


Dear Thomas,

The good doctor understands your problem. Grammar programs are notoriously fickle software, and while whimsicality can at times be a breath of fresh air when housed within the contours of a lovely lady, it is indeed bothersome when found in a computer program.

In this situation, as in almost all situations of word choice, the doctor's modus operandi is to simply read the sentence aloud and go with the word which/that pleases his ear best. Unless of course one is writing a nonrestrictive clause such as in the sentence: The bottle of Finlandia, which is in the freezer, is half full (this clause adds a fact about the only Finlandia bottle in question). In such cases, you should always use "which".

With regards to your friend's proficiency at rattling off forty-seven prepositions, it's a neat bar trick but not quite as formidable as the one the doctor employs when short on bar money -- that is, a fifteen-second recitation of all fifty states in alphabetical order. As for the accuracy of the preposition count, the good doctor feels strongly that mathematical quantification of language is equivalent to literary sodomy, and, as such, is a practice he does not engage in -- at least while sober.


Dear Good Doctor English,

I have had a number of debates about the use of the apostrophe. Hopefully you can help. In many of our written communications, we use letters to designate drawings. For Instance we use P&ID for Piping and Instrument Diagram. Usually we need more than one of these drawings. My contention is that since it is plural and not a possessive case, we should write it as P&IDs and not as P&ID's. Help and thanks in advance.

Jean-Pierre
Deputy Project Director
Mexico City, Mexico


Dear Jean-Pierre,

It is good that you have come to me. Out of simple curiosity, and to test his skills at creative resume writing, the good doctor has occasionally ventured into the business world to take temporary positions. Inevitably he would run into those managers and group leaders who insisted that their memos were well written and their instructions clearly delivered; thus reaffirming their roles as poster children for the Peter Principle.

You are indeed correct Jean-Pierre. To add an 's after the designated letters turns the acronym into the possessive not the plural.

The reason this is sometimes done when making acronyms plural is that supervisors often consider their underlings to be illiterate slobs who will mistake the lowercase s as part of some new acronym and become confused. Thus they set it off with an apostrophe thinking that it will eliminate confusion; but in reality it creates more. Take them out for a few PBRs down at the local cantina and set them straight.


Dear Good Doctor English,

I see by the short bio at the end of your column that you spent some time as a teacher in the Czech Republic. I am thinking about moving there to teach English this year. Would it be better to take a position in Prague or in one of the smaller outlying cities? Can you actually survive on the salary that Czech schools pay? And what do they drink in Bohemia besides beer? I like to have a good time but brews give me terrible hangovers.

Mark
Willmington, NC


Dear Mark,

It's a good thing that you like to have fun, because fun you will have in the jolly land of the Good Soldier Svejk. Hangovers are a way of life in Bohemia and something that you'll soon get used to. The Czech cure for over-imbibing is simply to begin drinking again in the morning. To facilitate this cure-all, several Herna bars in every city are open twenty-four hours a day, and as a teacher you'll often find student bars located conveniently in the same building your teaching -- and which can be transformed into makeshift classrooms that will earn you much respect amongst your students.

If you really must stay away from the beer, another Czech favorite is called the Houba, which is equal parts Coca-Cola and red wine. The doctor met not a few American expats who developed a taste for this strange cocktail. The money you will earn, roughly $300 a month, with free housing, will allow you to live comfortably, and there are always tutoring opportunities to expand your wallet. The good doctor made his niche in West Bohemia teaching extra classes at a bar and home for wayward girls called Steffi's Club, indeed an entertaining job.

As far as living in Prague goes, the good doctor would recommend living in an outlying city, such as Plzen, the one where he settled. Such cities are close enough to Prague so that you can take cheap day trips into the capital, yet you'll experience more of the Czech culture and become better acquainted with the Slavic language. While visiting Prague the doctor often met fellow expats whose knowledge of Czech was limited to that of knowing how to say, please, thank you, and, I love you in the native tongue. Whereas the good doctor could deliver the popular Czech pickup line, Would you like to come over and see my butterfly collection, beautiful girl? like a true Bohemian rogue.

Mail your questions and problems to the good doctor at: gooddoctorenglish@hotmail.com

Good Doctor English is a faculty member of Rajabhat Institute Rajanagarindra in Thailand and a former creative writing teacher at the University of West Bohemia in the Czech Republic. He is the author of two books of poetry and is a contributor to several international publications. The Good Doctor's Web Page.