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HERE ARE A FEW JOKES YOU'VE SENT US over the past few months to lighten up our lives. Much appreciated!
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you to yesterday.
Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Wilt Chamberland once claimed to have sex with over 20,000 women during his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls that "a slow Tuesday".
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured the man's blindness. Unfortunately, the first, last and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh *t from anybody.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris once went on Fear Factor. The show was cancelled after a week.?He ate the balls off the contestants as well, including the women.
Chuck Norris once went jogging in the morning from his texas ranch. He?ended up in Mexico.
The movie Anaconda was filmed in Chuck Norris' pants.
Outer Space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris, was once Knighted by the Queen. She pulled?a sword on him - bad move. He roundhouse kicked her back to the Victorian era.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
When Chuck Norris was in middle schoo
l, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100% of the time during sex.
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
WHY should you advertise here? We'll tell you.
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward Employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "Okay, I can hire you right now? -? The Hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. Why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I BETTA YOU READA DIS AGAIN!!!
HOUSE OF CARDS - CHUCK NORRIS IS BACK! AJ shares more Chuck Norris Jokes, DCS introduces us to two military men and Greg C. demonstrates the breakdown of communication.
THE WORLD -
From AJ, Nairobi, KENYA:
Facts on Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
From DCS, Largo, FL, USA:
The same Card sent us this one:
LIFE WATCH
Ten Years of Continuous Truth-Seeking
1996-2006
AMERICAN DREAMS
G21 AFRICA
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