->COVER -> RADIOACTIVE
OAKTOWN, CALI - NOW we get down to it. Me and Tanya are makin' lists and checkin' 'em twice. She's got kinfolk I never suspected or heard of before now. And then I have to invite my own Louisiana geechie relatives back up here this summer --- like I didn't have enough of them last winter.
I was kindah hopin', as he said he was leaving Baltimore in June, that our publisher would be my best man. But I know I can depend on him like I can expect Secretary of State Colin Powell to support Andrew Young for Ambassador to Kenya, if you understand where I'm comin' from. So maybe I should ask Aziz.
Now that we have officially announced our plans to get married it seems like folks are comin' out of the woodwork with advice about what we should expect. Not only that, of course, but also we have been talking more to each other about what people are sayin' and what we think about the whole thang.
Tanya's got a good head on her shoulders, so she's shared a few laughs with me about what some of her girlfriends at work and elsewhere have been "warning" her about. You know how that is: "Girl, you just make sure you train him right from the beginning. Make him pick up after himself; you ain't his maid! And you keep your own separate checking account, too. You have to trust me on that one, 'cause I know what I'm talkin' about from experience!"
Even as we go into a situation which is supposed to say to the world that this is the person we trust most, folks is tellin' us what not to trust about each other. It's the kind of irony have I never learned to like.
 |
The thing is, I have this sneakin' suspicion that the reason divorce rates in this country are as high as they are is because too many folks listen to these self-appointed experts. I told this to Tanya and she said, "There's a lot of truth in that, Raheem. Let's try to keep it in mind. Maybe we should have one of those magnets made with those words on it and put it on our 'fridge so we're always reminded of it."
Personally, I feel that there is too much of people putting their private business on the street. Tanya and me, we're always had this pact where we just don't deal with any problems we might have with each other in front of other folks, no matter what.
One of things I hate most among our people is when a man or a woman gets into loud trash-talk about each other out in some club or public place. I just don't see no excuse for that.Folks should keep their dirty laundry at home, behind closed doors, is my feeling.
The way I look at, you put your stuff on the street, of course you are gonnah get advice from all them so-called "experts." And usually it's the kind of advice that only make matters worse, like pouring gasoline on a fire.
"You gonnah let her get away with that?" "Girl, if I was you I'd...!" It just goes on and on that way, next thing you know you mad at each other over some brand new stuff that the experts manufactured for you.
Then, when you end up separated or divorced, it's these same damned experts who'll be the first to say, "I couldah told you they wasn't gonnah last."
Like I said in my last column, you got to watch out for those folks who actually take pleasure in pullin' you down.
In our talks, Tanya and me, we have zeroed in on one thing that we know is gonnah be a tough challenge.
We have noticed that what a lot of couples get into deep trouble with is arguments over money.That's understandable in a country like this one where everything, everything, seems to revolve around money. Unlike the folks you see on TV, a lot of whom spend more time hangin' around coffee shops than actually working for a living, money is the way you are defined by most people in America, so it ends up being the way you define yourself --- even when you try hard not to fall into this trap.
We have talked a lot about how we are gonnah handle this money trap and keep it from weakening our relationship. I think one thing that is good is that we are getting married later in life when we have some kindah standing at our jobs. So it's not like we are just starting out, which creates its own special pressures. Still, nothing is ever certain. I look at lots of folks that I know and see how one minute you think things are cool and the next your boss let's you go and within a month or two you are avoiding picking up the phone because it's probably another bill collector. So I know to knock on wood about our job situation right now.
But I know we gonnah have some talks about money.
- Do we buy a new car now or wait?
- What about when I want a new computer at the same time she wants to upgrade her own equipment?
- What about buyin' a house?
- Maybe one of us will want to start a business one day, you never know. So that leads to late night talks over coffee or during dinner.
- How we can piece things together just right to make this or that dream come true?
And look at just what it costs for daycare these days, not to mention sending a kid to college!
So we already know that the money talks are gonnah have to come up, barring one of us miraculously winning the Lotto or something.
We ain't come up with any strategy we can use on this one, yet. We are just facing that it's gonnah happen and thinking about how we can best deal with it. Ideas are welcomed.
COMMENTS? QUESTIONS? Why not e-mail Raheem?