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AUSTIN, TEXAS - I know a lot of ya'll is following the Puffy Combs trial, like many of us down here in the Trailer Park, and tha's all well and good.
But if'n you're looking for some real fun in the world of rappers, you should go the distaff route, Sanitation Engineers. I mean, the rumored feud between Lil' Kim and Foxy Brown seems to be where the Real Dirt is these days. Lil' Kim was dodging bullets in front of a New Yawk radio station a couple weeks back. Now that's what ole Tom called pure-dee trailer trash action!
How the shoot-out went down, and that Lil' Kim was still there, had to be revealed by the security camera videos after the fact --- which goes to show ya'll how New Yawk's Finest is totally on the ball. When this here shootin' first happened out in front of radio station Hot 97 in Lower Manhattan that Sunday night, the cops said they thought Lil' Kim had left before it even went down. Yeah right. Have another doughnut.
The cameras had some prime footage of ole Kim nearly fallin' outtah what little she had on, climbin' over folks, to make it into her limo and order her danged driver to get her naked ass outtah there. On the slingin' end of this shoot-out action was the crew from Capone-n-Noreaga that was also appearin' at the radio station that day. 'Course when the gendarmes shows up at Kim's house in New Jersey, Mum's the word. "Shootin'? What shootin'? Ya'll ain't pullin' no Puffdaddy on my sweet ass!"
The skinny on this, ya'll, is that Lil' Kim is bent out of shape about Foxy callin' her trip "lame" on a Capone-n-Noreaga song. If Kim didn't have that body, I'd probably call her trip lame, too. But ya'll know how young Thomas admires a nice rack.
BILLY, WE CAIN'T MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T LEAVE
I was kindah worried after the inauguration that gossip-mongers like Yours Truly wouldn't have ole Dollar Bill to kick around anymore now that THe Shrub had been coronated. But I got lucky. Ole Bubba can still be depended on for some serious dirt-trawl action, praise the Lord.
Me, I think the Pardongate thang is bein' way overdone --- again. You can only milk that for so much, as I understand The Shrub's people in the White House can plainly see. Who wants to see another shot of that whale Hugh Rodham? That's like pretendin' that Hillary don't have a wide behind or calves like an elephant.

Thomas Hart

And neither Denise Rich or Beth Dozoretz is workin' hard enough to rise to Trailer Trash Chic heights -- they got too much money and dress too dang well.
All we got left to depend on is ole Monica.
What? You ain't heard yet?
Well, besides lettin' the word float around that she is thinking about liposuction so's folks stop claimin' she and Hugh Rodham was separated at birth --- same profile, if ya'll know what I'm sayin' and I think you do --- she's got a new TV contract lined up.
Tha's right. In another coup for quality broadcastin', HBO has signed up Ms. Presidential Kneepads to have her own Special next year where she gives college students tips on life as an intern, orderin' pizzas, and all the things Cigar Afficionado magazine won't tell ya.
Now that's a television special that will be on every widescreen TV down here in the Trailer Park. Monica Rules!
Tom's Jennifer Lopez Moment of The Week
Dear JLo,
I have made it no secret that you are my queen and I worship the ground you walk on, the chairs you sit in, the air you breathe.
Now two things have happened that have my heart aflutter. First off, you got the top movie and music CD in the whole danged country at the same time. Not only is this a historic first, but it means the whole blamed country now acknowledges what you and I have known all along and what I have repeatedly and shamelessly declared in this here column:
YOU ARE THE GODDESS OF LOVE & THE QUINTESSENTIAL DEFINITION OF TRUE WOMANHOOD.

The second thang that has raised my blood pressure and made Mrs. Hart's fair-haired son hopeful is that you have finally seen the error of your ways and let the world know that you have walked away from Sean "Puffy" Combs.
That means that you are now free to leave that cesspool they call a city, New Yawk, and move down here to God's Country where I can worship you not from afar but as I bask in your actual presence.
I'm waiting...
Remember: It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all of the trailer trash.
QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? E-mail Tom down in the trailer park. Go ahead!

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