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TABLOID HART: KATIE, PARIS, GONZO & OTHER DELUSIONAL PEOPLE - THOMAS HART goes on the offense in his latest dish.
Austin, REPUBLIC OF TEJAS - We all know that we live in a world of delusions these days, don't we, my fellow Sanitation Engineers? Nowhere is that more apparent than we look at the people to whom we genuflect, those who our lives focus on, the celebrities of this w orld. So, if you love the trash of life, as I certainly do, every day is Hog Heaven. No less this past few weeks. From Katie Couric to Paris Hilton to Alberto Gonzales, I did my best not to bust a gut.
So, before we get to the real fun here, let's start with one of my favoright whippin' gals, Katie ("America's Ms. Perky") Couric. She has flushed what once was the Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS's) flagship newscasts right down the toilet. Faster than you can blink an eye, Katie has turned the network of Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite into a second version of the Oprah Winfrey show. It's so touch and feely that it's damned near itchy and scratchy.
Let's not stop there! Katie shows up over at US Today, who decided to do not one but two major stories about how she's an albatross and says this: "I knew this was going to be a big challenge. To get out of your comfort zone is not always comfortable." (Emphasis mine.) Let's see, Katie, leaving your comfort zone is uncomfortable. Duh. Got any other brilliant insights to offer us today?
I was sitting out with my buds here at the Trailer Park, Buford and Cleavis, knocking back a couplah Lone Star long necks a couplah nights ago and Buford, he says: "Well, Tom, you been part of the media for quite a bit, seein' as how you been writin' for that there Web magazine. You really thank Katie Couric is that bad, Tom? You been baggin' on her quite a bit."
"Bad? Well, I wouldn't put her up there with cancer," says I, "but she's about equal to getting' a sharp stick poked in your eyeball."
Buford and Cleavis nodded.
We all three sipped some more of our brewskies.
"So what y'all thank?" Buford chimed in. "Now Britney's all Betty-Forded up and Paris is facing some jail time, we got any of them there party gals we can count on for a few good yucks?"
"What ya'll think about that pitcher of Paris being all over Brtiney Spears boobs before Britney cut all her dang hair off and went Betty Ford on us?" Buford pushed on.
"Well," I responded, "cain't be no worse than that picture of her rubbing butt cheeks with her little sister. You know them folks in Hollyweird, they ain't got no danged morals to speak of."
"Yore right about that, Pard," Cleavis observed.
"Well, my thinkin' on this," says I, "is we can still depend on ole Linday Lohan but I aint' picked up the latest issue of the National Enquirer just yet, so y'all cain't quote me on that one."
After a moment of reflection, Cleavis says: "Y'all think the Governator will give Paris Hilton that pardon all her fans signed that Internet petition about?"
"No need," says I.
"How ya mean?" asks Buford.
"El Lay County Sheriff's Department."
"Y'all want to explicate that determination?" asks Buford.
"Lookah what happened with Michelle Rodriguez from that TV show 'Lost,'" I replied. "She got out in 24 hours. Jail overcrowding and time off for good behavior. Paris don't have to worry about shit. None of them there celebrities ever have to spend any real time in jail. They's rich.
"As the great writer F. Scott Fitzgerald said, 'The rich are not like us,' And that's Gospel Truth."
And the chorus said, "Amen."
We all three sipped some more of our brewskies.
"I'm glad that's settled," observed Cleavis.
Why is Gonzo (Attorney General Alberto Gonzales) still collecting a paycheck?
Have we become so spineless as a citizenry that no one considers runnin' anybody out of town on a rail anymore? Check out this May 17 article by Glenn Greenwald over at Salon.com. He calls the chief law enforcement officer of the United States a danged "serial liar." If we looked at it from a legal point of view, Gonzo should already be in jail for perjury! I'm thinking tar and feathers here. Really!
Let's face it, this is the man who believes that Abu Ghraib was no big deal and, in fact, wrote a memo to justify it; the man who thinks spying on our phone calls and e-mails is just business as usual; the man who thinks the Patriot Act doesn't go far enough on stripping us of our civil liberties and; yes, the man whose selective danged memory in front of Congress is nothing short of what you'd expect from a lying sack of shit!
That Gonzo is the representative of what we consider the rule of law in this danged country is nothing short of a miscarriage of the very idea of justice. Tar and feathers are too good for this prick!
Well all y'all know I am a card-carrying Libertarian, so EVERYTHING about the USA Patriotic Act and all the danged NSA spying on citizens that's going on is whack to me. I'm glad that another Libertarian (who is posin' as a Republican in sheep's clothing) Ron Paul is runnin' for President of the United States. If you ain't checked out what Ron Paul, from here in the Republic of Tejas, has had to say yet, follow this link, Pilgrim. You won't regret it.
And let me end by reminding y'all of one thang:
It will take more than a few tornadoes to blow away all the trailer trash.
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